Divine Rights and poor spelling

So I got chewed out on the airplane, coming back from my brother's house last week. This woman was taking all of the overhead space for our row, and when I mentioned that we needed at least some of it (she was seated in the row ahead of ours), she snapped back at me. She went on and on about my thinking I had a divine right just because I was travelling with children, and I already had the opportunity to board early (we boarded late because we had to change a last minute diaper), and how she needed the space too (she was travelling alone, by the way), and then she kept going but I tuned her out. She was practically yelling at me...you know how that is....someone yelling on a plane...I'm sure everyone was watching this encounter.

OK, so I got the carseat installed, got the other boy buckled in, got our stuff stashed under the seats in front of us, she sits down. Then Jon enters (he got walayed at the gate, folding our stroller and tagging our other carseat), hauling his stuff and the rest of mine. I was too distracted with Amory's kicking the seat in front of him and banging the traytable to get a good read on whether the loud woman even registered him, but he was hard to miss so I imagine she saw him weaving to the back of the plane to the row right behind hers. And then during the flight, I glanced over at her (she had a window seat with the seat next to her open) to see what this woman with the nasty attitude was reading, expecting to see her reading a Rush Limbaugh book or a biography on the life of the 'great' Dick Cheney or something...No. Just a normal book. I don't remember the title, but it was her bookmark that caught my attention. It was handmade, blue yarn with the word, 'LOVE' cross-stitched across it. I was so surprised. And then later I saw her grading math homework. She couldn't really be a nasty person, could she? And who am I to judge her. Maybe her definition of love is different than mine. Maybe she grabbed the first bookmark she could find before leaving the house (the other ones say, 'Scum' and 'Heil') and didn't make the connection. Maybe I didn't detach the way I'm supposed to.

So this schoolteacher, who wants to believe in love, said some really coarse things to me, a total stranger, at the beginning of this 2.5 hour flight. I wonder if she replayed any of our encounter during that time up in the air. I thought about it a little; in and out of keeping Amory from pushing the call button again.....Do I think I have a divine right to something because I have children? At the moment I spoke to her-- a moment I would like to do over and would choose not to say anything to her-- I felt I had a right to Row 19's overhead space, seeing how we consumed 4 of the 5 seats in it-- not because I have children. Man, I wish I had thought to say that! Do I demand special treatment because I may be having a difficult time travelling with my kids? It sure isn't easy.... I think the Buddha would have said something about reality being non-reality....allowing myself to experience a reaction to stinging words, learning from that.... Allowing someone to be angry because I don't know what her reality is. And maybe I was asking for too much just because I was travelling with little kids. I mean, I bought the seats. Not the overhead space. Maybe I stepped out of line.

As I look back, it was a snarl of negative energy, that I feel I diffused by letting her vent, completely. I think she got some frustration off her chest. Maybe she felt better having been able to speak her mind....I wonder if she's thinking about it at all.... I felt kind of bad for her. I was happy that it didn't bother me as much as it should have. I write this as an account of something that happened to me. I am sure I might have left her alone, and ingored her actions from the start--as if she would have quickly removed her things from the overhead compartment just because I had said something-- then where would I have been. That would have really been embarrassing.

For the record, I don't think I have a divine right to any special treatment because I have my hands full with my two boys. But whatever help I get, is sure appreciated. I look at motherhood as a privilage and responsibility, not a right. We don't have a right to anything really....our next breath isn't even guaranteed.

And I wish I remembered how to spell better. Gurantee? Gauruntee? Why can't I ever get that word right???

Birds and wild things sleeping

Ok. So things have been developing. Elliot is going to start a new school in a couple of weeks. This should eliminate the need for OT twice a week and maybe altogether. He won't be going to his morning preschool past December, so we'll have our mornings back. I have missed our little outings. This feels right. And it will sure be nice not to have that OT bill every month....Man! We're on plain rice and peanut butter sandwiches practically. In our family book of quotes is this: "I should be a professional something. They make a lot of money." I said this during one of my moments of insecurity when I think things like, "Things are all wrong. I need to figure out what to do with my life. I'm not doing anything." But things seem to be working themselves out now. So I'm resting easier. And, I can do a proper pigeon pose on both sides--ok, so there's no such thing as a proper pose because it's all an individual thing, but I have been trying so hard to reach behind my back and grab my other hand while bending my back leg up---this sounds incredibly pointless when I write it this way---, BUT I can finally do it. Oh, the proud pigeon.

I read a few chapters of the book, 'Knowing Yourself' or 'To Know Yourself'...something like that....by Sri Swami Satchidinanda, where he talked about happiness as the motivation for everything. Evil things, good things....all things come from people searching for happiness. But the great thing is that happiness already exists presently, and when we start looking out around our happiness for something that might make us happier, we become unhappy. I have a quote on our wall from a Taoist monk...."Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize that there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." I suppose I hung this quote on our wall to remind myself of something I would like to believe in. I may be getting closer to being able to live this way. My boys teach me this. They're so happy if they get to go out for a walk, or we have their favorite food for breakfast. They don't know to want more, because they're happy now.

I saw my first real live owl on Friday. I am so excited by this. It was huge and beautiful, sitting on a tree looking right at me (although Amory says that it was looking right at him). I think it was a Northern Hawk Owl because it was perched on a low, exposed branch along the bike path near our house, during the day. It must have been at least a foot high if not more. It turned its head toward a sharp noise on the other side of the woods, but other than that it sat perfectly still, staring straight at us. I would have missed it had it not been for a couple who were stopped, looking at it, who told me what they were looking at. I hope to see it again some time. Next to cheetahs, owls are probably one of my favorite animals. Now I feel like I'm channeling some Dwight Shrute from the Office, so I'll stop now before people start making fun of me.

Good night.

Om.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Surnia-ulula-002.jpg

Yogaville

I participated in a retreat at the Satchidinanda Ashram (Yogaville) in Buckingham, VA this past weekend. I couldn't take it all in....a lot of it is still sitting on the surface of my brain looking for a space to sink in. Kind of like droplets of water on the surface of your clothes in the first few seconds of standing in a downpour.

The topic for the weekend was Mindfulness and was presented by the Rev Frank Jude Boccio. What an amazing guy...topic...place. The ideas of non-judgement. non-permanence, non-attachment, non-reality sit with me well. Observing the world from the perspective of a big sky, rather than a lowly being struggling to climb a mountain, feels so healthy when I'm applying it to my current situation. Nothing really matters. Things have importance, but there are many valid points of achievement..... Validity. Isn't that what we're all striving for?

Long day

I had a long day. It's been a long season, and it's not even Halloween. I don't do well with scheduling...I don't like having to be somewhere at a certain time. I suppose it helps me from wasting time, but then how much time is wasted trying to make appointments? It makes me want to cancel the guys' preschool, cancel Elliot's occupational therapy, keep the boys at home with me, and then we can work on our own schedule. There are so many minutes of the day I spend hurrying, rounding up the boys, rushing them through the game they're playing-or just making them stop- all to follow the schedule I have created for them without their input. This is so against what I believe in and what I want for my boys, so why do I do it? I think it's because of self doubt. I have convinced myself that we need to do these things because if we don't, we'll miss out on opportunities to give our boys advantages.

I learned a valuable lesson when Amory was born. With the knowledge and support of an awesome friend, who was my doula, I learned that my opinion and intuition are valid. So valid, that I should not let anyone trump them with a lot of statistics and outside information. I gave birth to the little boy in the way I was prepared to do it. Thank the great Om that no one knew he was almost 12 pounds or the hospital never would have allowed me to do it--it almost makes me want to have more kids just to show 'em. If that was proof enough of the power of my convictions, why can't I bring my babies home and let them be themselves...I'm essentially rushing them through the greatest years of their life, because if I don't, I'm afraid they won't turn out right. Is that logical?

So the peace of wild things eludes me tonight. I need some sleep.

My new favorite poem

A good friend sent this to me. His timing was incredible. My boys and I just returned from a visit to my mom's in the country. What a needed respite from the constant running we've been doing. I was so happy to see the boys enjoying the firm ground beneath their feet rather than their mildly padded carseats beneath their bums.

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

--- Wendell Berry