Yogaville

I participated in a retreat at the Satchidinanda Ashram (Yogaville) in Buckingham, VA this past weekend. I couldn't take it all in....a lot of it is still sitting on the surface of my brain looking for a space to sink in. Kind of like droplets of water on the surface of your clothes in the first few seconds of standing in a downpour.

The topic for the weekend was Mindfulness and was presented by the Rev Frank Jude Boccio. What an amazing guy...topic...place. The ideas of non-judgement. non-permanence, non-attachment, non-reality sit with me well. Observing the world from the perspective of a big sky, rather than a lowly being struggling to climb a mountain, feels so healthy when I'm applying it to my current situation. Nothing really matters. Things have importance, but there are many valid points of achievement..... Validity. Isn't that what we're all striving for?

Long day

I had a long day. It's been a long season, and it's not even Halloween. I don't do well with scheduling...I don't like having to be somewhere at a certain time. I suppose it helps me from wasting time, but then how much time is wasted trying to make appointments? It makes me want to cancel the guys' preschool, cancel Elliot's occupational therapy, keep the boys at home with me, and then we can work on our own schedule. There are so many minutes of the day I spend hurrying, rounding up the boys, rushing them through the game they're playing-or just making them stop- all to follow the schedule I have created for them without their input. This is so against what I believe in and what I want for my boys, so why do I do it? I think it's because of self doubt. I have convinced myself that we need to do these things because if we don't, we'll miss out on opportunities to give our boys advantages.

I learned a valuable lesson when Amory was born. With the knowledge and support of an awesome friend, who was my doula, I learned that my opinion and intuition are valid. So valid, that I should not let anyone trump them with a lot of statistics and outside information. I gave birth to the little boy in the way I was prepared to do it. Thank the great Om that no one knew he was almost 12 pounds or the hospital never would have allowed me to do it--it almost makes me want to have more kids just to show 'em. If that was proof enough of the power of my convictions, why can't I bring my babies home and let them be themselves...I'm essentially rushing them through the greatest years of their life, because if I don't, I'm afraid they won't turn out right. Is that logical?

So the peace of wild things eludes me tonight. I need some sleep.

My new favorite poem

A good friend sent this to me. His timing was incredible. My boys and I just returned from a visit to my mom's in the country. What a needed respite from the constant running we've been doing. I was so happy to see the boys enjoying the firm ground beneath their feet rather than their mildly padded carseats beneath their bums.

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

--- Wendell Berry