Long day

I had a long day. It's been a long season, and it's not even Halloween. I don't do well with scheduling...I don't like having to be somewhere at a certain time. I suppose it helps me from wasting time, but then how much time is wasted trying to make appointments? It makes me want to cancel the guys' preschool, cancel Elliot's occupational therapy, keep the boys at home with me, and then we can work on our own schedule. There are so many minutes of the day I spend hurrying, rounding up the boys, rushing them through the game they're playing-or just making them stop- all to follow the schedule I have created for them without their input. This is so against what I believe in and what I want for my boys, so why do I do it? I think it's because of self doubt. I have convinced myself that we need to do these things because if we don't, we'll miss out on opportunities to give our boys advantages.

I learned a valuable lesson when Amory was born. With the knowledge and support of an awesome friend, who was my doula, I learned that my opinion and intuition are valid. So valid, that I should not let anyone trump them with a lot of statistics and outside information. I gave birth to the little boy in the way I was prepared to do it. Thank the great Om that no one knew he was almost 12 pounds or the hospital never would have allowed me to do it--it almost makes me want to have more kids just to show 'em. If that was proof enough of the power of my convictions, why can't I bring my babies home and let them be themselves...I'm essentially rushing them through the greatest years of their life, because if I don't, I'm afraid they won't turn out right. Is that logical?

So the peace of wild things eludes me tonight. I need some sleep.